Addicted

… I’m just gonna cut right to the chase here – I purposely slit my wrists today with a razor and broke my 2 year streak. It’s not even that I was I feeling down or upset – I was at work! And it just felt good… But of course, now I feel guilty and I’m worrying about how to tell my husband.

Why can’t I stop?!

As a Psychology student I’m already aware of the endorphins and the addictive nature of the opioid system – but seriously!

Is it ignorant of me to wish I was a smoker and not a cutter? At least smoking is socially acceptable.

I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m just frustrated and fed up with cutting. “Then why did you do it?” you might ask… Well, why does someone trying to lose weight give in to a binge? Or a smoker trying to quit give in to a smoke? Because it feels good. That’s why. But I’m sick having a habit that I have to hide and that makes people think I’m suicidal or whatnot (which I’m definitely not!).

Am I just weak?

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About Tea Shell

When I think about how to describe myself, what comes to mind first is my love for art. Painting, drawing, dance, poetry, music...they speak to me and find myself able to speak through them. I believe that God's creation in itself is true art and that Art his one of his greatest gifts to us. I'm not an outgoing person. Let me just put that out there. I'm shy, reserved, and prefer to be around animals, nature, or no one. I have a husband though with whom I share everything and he is a huge pillar of strength in my life. I have one very dear friend whom I also treasure. I've created this blog as a way for me to express how I feel through writing - something I seriously prefer over speaking out loud! Feel free to comment and message me. I do want to hear from you :)
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4 Responses to Addicted

  1. swearsalot says:

    Hi Tea Shell..
    Swearsalot here.
    Couldn’t bring myself to ‘like’ your post, as I just thought it wrong, so decided to come have a chat instead.

    I’ve never self harmed myself, but know many who have.
    Some have told me that it is their way of coping with all that ails them, some have said that it has lead to thoughts of suicide, and others have said just what you have…that it feels good. Damn good.
    All have said they felt guilty…and for many different reasons.
    I do NOT think you are weak, but do think that you wanted to speak about a subject many find uncomfortable to talk about, and that takes courage and shows me your STRENGTH of character.

    I laughed when I read your comment ‘Is it ignorant of me to wish I was a smoker and not a cutter? At least smoking is socially acceptable’…
    mainly because ignorance is not the word I would have chosen, and also, where I come from, smoking, especially nowadays, IS frowned upon AND classed as socially unacceptable, and usually, leads to stigmatisation.

    I’m someone who believes in ‘experience’, and when I haven’t experienced something personally I don’t think it gives me the right to try and say what I may want or feel I should…or could. So I don’t….but then again at certain times I will.
    I’m a walking, talking, contradiction.
    mmmm.

    I will say that I have suffered depression and thoughts of suicide.
    These two are also subjects that many find hard to talk about, or share their thoughts and views on….as they feel that if they speak up they will be judged, criticised and spoken to in ways that they shouldn’t.
    I personally don’t give a shit, as I will do whatever I think is in my best interests, and if there are small minds out there that want to belittle, cajole and judge, well fuck them.

    Not all that long ago, thoughts of suicide were a daily occurrence…and the pit of despair and darkness I found myself in was all consuming.
    Many times, I sat there, (especially after I came home from work) and thought of ways that I would do it….and twice, I nearly followed through.

    At other times, regardless of how bad it got for me, I never thought of ending it all….just lied down, pulled the covers over my fucking head, closed my eyes, and just went to sleep…then woke to fight/live another day.

    I think some behaviours that drive us to do what we do are inherent…and others are a product of our experiences and environment.

    I also firmly believe that nothing in this world is black and white, as there are too many shades of grey…and if you tell me that you cut because it feels good, then who am I to question you?
    Yeah, I believe you, and hope that your cutting never leads to other thoughts such as I have had.
    But should it ever do, make yourself a promise ok….don’t wait till you’re at crisis point like I did.
    As you might not make it back.

    Nice to meet you.

    Love and light.

    Like

    • Tea Shell says:

      I really appreciate the honesty in your comment, so thanks for that. Also, thank you for not judging me and telling me what everyone else does.

      I’m sorry to hear you’ve had to experience depression and thoughts of suicide. I too have been there and it’s not at all a fun place to be. But you came through! Which – although we’ve just “met” – is relieving to hear. Depression is a bitch and it’s good to hear of yet another person beating it!

      As for the promise to myself that you’ve mentioned – I have made that promise. Like I said, I was once at that crisis point and nearly ended things. But my family – and younger siblings in particular – were what made me stop. Now I’ve got an amazing husband and nieces and nephews… But hey, who knows I might relapse. So thanks for caring without even knowing me 🙂 It’s comforting.

      Again – your comment was much appreciated and I look forward to talking again soon.

      Take care!

      Shell

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Its just hard to break that addiction to that rush of endorphins. I’ve been able to stay away from cutting for several years now. But that temptation still comes around sometimes. I’ve caved and just hit myself on a few occasions.

    Like

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